Two years ago I wrote this for another blog. I figured I would repost it here as my readership has changed slighty. It still basically sums up my Christmas experiences….Enjoy and Happy Holidays
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Ok not very epic, but in the ongoing tradition of not only mocking others but mocking myself I have decided to regale others with my attempt at holiday cheer…
First of all I need to make some valid points as to why battling with a Christmas tree is not so surprising for me.
1. I am not the most coordinated of individuals. I am the same person that suffered major bodily harm from not only one but two air conditioners this past summer. I am also the same person who was kicked out of the Regatta Inn on Cape Cod for literally destroying an entire room filled with patrons due to my awkwardness….( another blog entry for another time)
2. This project was suggested by my therapist due to as he said “my complete and utter lack of holiday spirit”
3. I historically am not a fan of November and December…It seems that crappy things have always happened during this month.
4. I once told a Salvation Army Santa to piss off because he wished me a Merry Christmas…..
That being said I decided that in the attempt to continue my self improvement and listen to the suggestions of others I would decorate my apartment that right now resembles Soviet era living quarters…I decide first I need a tree. Here is a key point. I do not own a car, I take public transportation everywhere. So I guess a real tree is out of the question.
I purchase a large box which contains what I incorrectly assume only a couple pieces that can be assembled quickly. I lug the huge box to the train and make my way home. At my stop I get out and flag down a cab rather than struggle with the huge box on the bus…I also do not have a good history with cabs since the “dead cat in the box incident” (again another blog, another time). I motion to the cab driver to pop the trunk so that I may place my newly acquired tree and lights in there. He motions back and does not do a thing..He mutters something in a language that I can only assume is either Latin or Aramaic (neither of which I or anyone currently living speak). Again I motion to the trunk and yet again he yells at me..Fine this is how we are going to do this…I place the box in the door way and using my rather scrawny frame shove it and myself into the cab…I ride cramped and pissed off to my house.
Once in my house I discover how much my cat enjoys bright shiny objects.. He attacks the bags of lights and ornaments like Dick Cheney on a hunting trip…..I shoo him away…
I open my new Christmas tree after I turn some music on. Lets just say the new My Chemical Romance album is as close as I can get to Christmas music…I open the box and realize its one of those fake trees with all the branches that are separate..
Ohh Piss!
My cat entertains himself by launching himself at my head every time I put one of the 48 branches on…
At this point I literally am covered in greenery trashing on the floor with a 10 lb black cat attached to my face who thinks this is play time..
After about 2 hours I finish …I string the lights, hang the ornaments, and I stand back to look at my work…
At which point I see my cat strategically scaling the tree…As I yell in slow motion to get down he shots to the top. The tree (which assembled is 6 feet tall) comes crashing down on me and I am left prone under the refuse of holiday cheer…
Goddamit its going to be a long holiday season………